Firing up the Canon

Something has been on my mind since this time last year. It stays there, because it was a day that I taught myself an important lesson. Sometimes having the last word on something isn’t worth it. Sometimes that last word doesn’t move a situation forward - it just sits there and rips more gashes in fabric that’s already been torn enough. It makes us spin our wheels and drive ourselves crazy. I think we do this “last word” thing for a couple of reasons. One – We have something at stake that we can’t stand to lose. Once we stop the tossing the “last word” dictionary back and forth, a situation, relationship or conversation has come to a close and we have to accept it how it is left, how has defined itself. In the silence of words that are no longer being played, we have learn acceptance. We have to be ok with being wrong, or not being able to prove our point – or worse coming to terms with the fact that we have to let someone walk away and that nothing we can say can bring them back ...

Today I want to share something that I’ve learned of the past 31 years of my life. You can choose to try to create bonds with people over two types of circumstances. Good and Bad. There's a place for both...but I think there are some important things to think about. In highschool I used to dwell on my problems and then place the weight of them on people I hardly knew, all the while waiting for a bond to develop. I had my friends that I could just be myself with…but if there were people I wasn’t sure how to bond with I’d try to get their attention by being needy. In retrospect I can see that it was like I was trying to force them to care about me by putting a burden on them. I needed emotional attachment, but I was going about getting it by creating drama and sob stories. After I got myself together in life, learned to embrace who I was and to take other people into consideration before “life-dumping” on them – I realized something. It is far more attractive to people when you c...

Another Maura Rogers Song For Your Enjoyment!

I've noticed lately that feelings and sentiments are so momentary, so easily persuaded by circumstance. Commitment is the bridge that keeps us on the path between the good feelings and the bad. Conviction defines what we personally can stay committed to.

If you didn't join me at the Beachland Tavern for the Maura Rogers concert on March 16 - you definitely missed out. Luckily I used my teensy little video camera on my phone to grab a bit of the show. This song here is a personal favorite of mine. Do me the favor of listening to it. Heck - Listen Twice. You won't regret it. She's as talented as she is charming - and as beautiful of a surprise as today's weather. Enjoy.

Sun. Sunshine. I was driving today and thinking about what a difference there is in those two words to me though they are used interchangeably at times. One is bright and hot. The other is bright, warm, radiating, encompassing, (and sometimes wears a smiley face). The difference is all in the giving off...one IS and one RADIATES. One sits in the sky. One changes the way life feels - the way people think and act. That's really how it is for all of us. The real difference between one person and the next...the one that matters most - it's not so much in the name, in the looks, in the face, in the voice. It's in what all of those things give off. It's about more than our being - it's how our being radiates to those around us. I personally prefer the people and the words that radiate big. It's not enough just to be. You have to connect to make a difference.

Yesterday I turned 31. I should start by telling you that I am more than a weeeee bit obsessed with my own birthday. I think it's fun to have a day (or a week) to celebrate myself. I am also lucky enough to be spoiled by the people around me, so I really get to enjoy my time. It started off with a surprise night out on Tuesday - birthday eve. Maura made the plans. Mikki joined. We got in the car and drove downtown...and with Mikki's hands pressed over my eyes so I couldn't see, we pulled into the House of Blues. The surprise was a Missy Higgins concert (and a very very tasty dinner at the HOB - thank you Mikki). It couldn't have been more perfect. Maura knows me well. Set the mood for a wonderful birthday just right. On Wednesday, my actual birthday, I was supposed to go on a field trip with Serenity's school, but due to a flooded road it was canceled. So, I went to borders and bought myself a book...Change of Heart by Jody Picoult. I stayed there, drank cof...

This is how it feels. I'm hunkered down in a world full of things spinning out of control around me. Things affecting me, people affecting me, realities changing. Maybe it's that I'm afraid to move. Maybe it's that I think it'd be most wise not to. But I stand still. I don't want to affect anything because I am not ready to make choices. And in some cases I don't have any, and I don't want to face that either. At times all of the spinning becomes too much. In order to maintain balance I hold my arms out 90 degrees from my sides. Palms open to the swirling realities and ex realities around me. In doing this, little things stick. Little pieces of what is going on. But only the pieces most drawn to me. I pull them close to me and wear them like armor. They are my little somethings. The little somethings that will hold this thing together until I feel like I can move again with purpose and a little bit of control. It’s time to lie down. Face pres...

Did you ever go to bed one night and wake up the next morning knowing that things were different, and permanently? That the rubber band holding something together has stretched too far and no longer has the same elasticity. That is how I feel today. I don't know what the outcome of this stretch will be, I'm not completely in control of it. What I do know is that the space the lax banding is allowing - well I can feel it. It's too much space for me right now. I'm swimming in my skin. I'm swimming in my life. I'm swimming in my home. The only thing I'm not swimming in is my clothing. Truth is...this post is going to be vague. The things that I'm talking about here I don't want o release into the world because that them makes them real. Forgive me for wanting to not be completely real in this moment. I just need to write. I just need to put my struggle out there and hope that even in its vagueness I'll find resolution. That somehow in writi...

I was sharing a can on pickled Beets with Serenity the other day and as I put them on the plate I found myself intrigued even more by their potent color than I usually am. So, in a curious moment that probably looked a little silly to a five year old, "Mamie, why are you taking pictures of your plate?", I snapped some shots of the beets and the the mess (art) the juice made on my dirty dishes afterward. Just a little Saturday afternoon fun. I think everyone could use a little more punchy color in the dead of winter anyways...don't you? It's nice to have something in my possession that I just can't put down. I love my Canon. It helps me keep track of every interesting thing that I see along the way.

Oh how things change over time. I was putting Serenity to bed tonight she's telling me how she "doesn't like to close her eyes. It's boring." And at 5 it probably is. Of course, here I am, approaching 31, yawning and thinking about how I can't wait to lay down. She's fighting sleep. I'm craving it. As she tosses and turns, holding her head up off the pillow so that her eyes don't accidentally drift off, I let my eyes close. This must have signaled to my brain because somehow she fell asleep and I found myself left lying awake with mind mind churning. 'I'm about to turn 31. At least a third of my life has passed already.' This thought turns into me tearing up a bit. I can't figure out which is more painful. Lying next to someone you want to capture every moment with - that you don't want to lose even one second with - and realizing time is flying by. Or - thinking about people and relationships that have come to a cl...

I had the unfortunate displeasure of witnessing, or rather being plowed into by, a conversation that rattled me to the bones. The set up. Parallax in Tremont. Had a long day. Went for sushi to unwind and avoid cooking at home. We sat down in a booth on the bar side of the restaurant. A gawfaw with more power than Santa's ho ho ho's, with more testosterone that the incredible hulk, and with more stupidity than...well I'll go with a movie here....Super Bad. A glass slammed onto the table followed by two solid thumps of mallet-demanding fists. My seat shook. My head thumped. I got up and moved my seat to share the same side fo the table as my date. I was now in clear view of exaclty what I was missing. Two men. Fifities. Bolstering each other's egos. Feeding their swelling livers. Disturbing EVERYONE in the bar. Had it been all in good fun. Okay, well that's one thing. Two buddies catching up. Sharing laughs. Having a good time. I get that. I can get past th...

Thought/Question: I have been spending a lot of my time looking through photographs lately - other peoples' and my own. Here's the thought I keep having. Is a picture really a good picture just because the model is pretty? Is that really interesting enough to equate to quality? Is a picture a good picture just because you happened to capture someone else performing something they are good at? Is that a picture of a talented individual or is that a great photo? I know that there is a distinct need for pictures of models AND that photo journalism is a skill as well. I'm posing the question in general. What makes a photo good to you?

Has this ever happened to you? You hear a word, of a new restaurant, or of anything unfamiliar really for the first time and then you hear it multiple more times in a relatively short span of time after that. Something you didn't even know existed or never noticed all of a sudden becomes a regular topic of introduction - and not because you keep bringing it up, but because it keeps bringing itself to you? Getting ready for today's interview I started thinking about the last couple of weeks. I got laid off, and I immediately got up and started working for myself. Not just to find a job or to bring in money. To keep positive and upbeat and happy. To try to see the light in my situation. To avoid the trap of laying in the bed and wallowing in self pity. The reason I bring these two topics up in succession is this: as a general rule, " you get more out of what you focus on." I'm not saying you necessarily only get good if you focus on good. Life happens. But I ...

I was in the shower when I saw this shot. So, I hurried, finished rinsing off and grabbed my camera. I was afraid that a drop of water or a change in the pressure would pop the bubble and I'd lose my chance to get the shot. The bottle was sitting crooked, halfway on top of a bar of soap. Despite the less than perfect composition I snapped a couple of times, then I tried to move the bottle to get a better shot...and the bubble popped. With a little photo editing, I straightened the bottle and I am actually liking the way that the shot came out. And now, my thoughts. Purity exists in a bubble. When your actions are pure, when situations are pure, when relationships are pure ... they function in a bubble...in a special way untouched by the world around them. Free of defensiveness, free of the need for explanation, free of guilt - and full of raw emotion. Purity can be a wonderful bubble. A place to bond and to rejoice - with yourself and with others. A place to see things and peopl...

It's been an interesting week and a half for me. I feel like I've really been exploring the opportunities out there for writers. I haven't put all of my eggs in one basket yet, but I have found a couple of places I'm definitely wanting to pursue (a couple of boiling eggs, if you will forgive me my corny comparison)...and one golden egg that REALLY struck my fancy. First impressions are big. And this place really left me with a good one. = Yogi teabag quote of the day: "Whatever you are doing is the most beautiful thing." Isn't that the truth? Despite the fact that I'm currently lacking employment stability...I'm loving every minute of my days. I'm making the most of the situation and hopefully making a few good contacts along the way. This has been a huge reminder period for me. With change comes opportunity. It just take the right attitude to be open to it. Cheers to life and to living it fully.

I haven't been here to write in a bit. Surprisingly I have been putting in more than 8 hours of "work" every day since the layoff. I'm really enjoying it. When I say "work" it has been everything from rewriting my resume to putting together my portfolio to interviewing tirelessly for full time and freelance jobs. Yesterday my dad gave me the opportunity to get involved with a fun project. I went up to a restaurant that we've been eating at religiously for years and took photos of the food! It was a challenge for me. I'm just learning little tricks about lighting...using natural light vs. flash. Using the auto focus to focus on a neutral color in the photo so it isn't over or underexposed. I have a long way to go in my learning process. The good news for me though - I now have some photos to share on here. Something I haven't done in a while!! Let me know what you think. And I'll always be open to tips and critiques! And if you wan...

My dad had emailed this to me a while back. I'm not sure who wrote it, but it seems applicable here and now! Enjoy. When things go wrong, as they sometimes will, When the road your trudging seems all uphill, When the funds are low and the debts are high, And you want to smile, but you have to sigh, When care is pressing you down a bit Rest if you must, but don't you quit. Life is queer with its twists and its turns, As everyone of us sometimes learns, And many a failure turns about When they might have won, had they stuck it out. Don't give up though the pace seems slow, You may succeed with another blow. Often the struggler has given up When he might have captured the victors cup; And he learned too late when the night came down, How close he was to the golden crown. Success is failure turned inside out The silver tint of the clouds of doubt And you never can tell how close you are, It may be near when it seems so far; So stick to the fight when your hardest hit, It's...

Day 1 - Unemployment. It's interesting the things we go through in life. I'm certainly not alone in the world right now. Everyone knows we've got a 16 year high in unemployment - and it's hitting people everywhere. But this is me and my life - so that 16 year high becomes a bit more personal. The truth is, I feel like I handled the first day of transition rather well. I don't have anger in me...this is no one's fault. I don't feel bad for myself...that does nothing but waste time. I'm reaching out to people and trying to figure out how I can take this challenge to a better place...how I can make this situation work for me. I filed for unemployment immediately. Then I did something else...I took out my resume and started writing...and I made contact with the people I know. I've had great response...and it gives me hope that no matter what happens I'll be okay. So, I guess thats the mindset I'm adopting permanently. Whatever happens, I ...

I was sitting in the car last night and observing the shadow that my hand made on my leg. The further my hand was from my leg the larger the shadow got - even to the point that it didn't even look like a hand at all anymore. For some reason while I was doing this a comment was made about me getting over my fear. It got me thinking. Fears mirror the behavior of shadows a bit. The further we keep ourselves away from the things that we are afraid of - the bigger and scarier they seem. Most of the time the anticipation that we give to our fears creates a sense of grandness - a disillusion about what there is to really be afraid of. We put such a space between us and the things we fear that we can't see them for what they really are. It isn't until we become brave and get up close that we are able to really see our fears in their truest form. To deal with life head on we have to put down our projected thoughts, close in on the distance between us and what plagues us, and take...

I'm finding it beneficial to work on the floor in my office today. New perspective. I have a slightly heavy heart today because someone that inspires me quite a bit is no longer going to be available to do so 5 days a week - or at the times when I need it most. So, I grieve a bit. And I seek a bit. I realize that I need to be able to recreate this sense of inspiration. It's critical. My challenge is mostly in how to draw it out and to step outside of my comfort zone to find it. How to bring keep for myself an environment that feeds ideas. How to inspire people to want to be involved in the process with me. How to fit into other people's processes. How to find it independently when situations require it. Collaboration to me is the critical force that takes an idea from good to great. When you bounce a ball to yourself you know the force you've put on it. You can expect how it will bounce back to you. The catch and release become somewhat automatic. Sometimes you add ...

This Revolutionary Road movie has really stirred a lot of thinking. Not only in my life, but in the lives of those around me. Through endless conversations I've realized that when having to categorize myself I tend to be more of the root or the rock than the wing or the sea. It's not that I love Cleveland winters or think that this city has tons of inherent excitement, but somehow I've found a way to truly feel it as my home. It's not that I don't like to get on a plane and travel...see the world and float for a bit, but I couldn't do it forever. I'd want to come back. I've thought a lot about this over the years. Would 12 months of sunshine create enough happiness that I wouldn't need to be able too see my family whenever I wanted to? Would the ability to go out and walk the beach or hike through a desert mountain mean more than being able hop in my car and get to the people I love? And for me, the answer is that it just wouldn't. I've...

Something really struck me yesterday. I went to listen to an open mic night and outside of it was a young man trying to get people to listen to his CDs and/or buy them. He solicited me once when I got out of the car. I went into the coffee shop and walked back out and he solicited me again (not even realizing he had spoke to me ten minutes before.) Then I walked down the street and back up to go back into the coffee shop and he solicits me a third time (again not even realizing that he had already spoken to me twice). Here’s my thought on this. If you are going to expect people to pay attention to what you are doing or care about your music or any other thing you want to put out there…when you are making direct contact with them it’d probably be a good idea to look them in the eye and pay a bit of attention to them as well. We all have certain talents. For talents to take off and become something bigger…to catch fire and become popular…they require adoption by a community. And to ...

I could keep you at arms length. But then how would you tickle me out of this sadness?

We just left the theater after watching Revolutionary Road and I can't shake the internal dialogue in my mind. The movie dabbled in many of the flaws and struggles of the "human" condition. Self definition. The pursuit of happiness. Self worth. Contentment. Family. Self Awareness. Marital conflict. The meaning of commitment. I could probably go on for another 20 minutes listing themes. What strikes me as I'm sitting here now however is part of what I saw as the main struggle of Kate Winslet's character in the movie. Internal happiness. Contentment. I can't say that she was right or wrong in feeling like she needed something different or more out of her life. That's not mine to judge. However, I can say that in her discontentment I feel like she turned her focus and her needs so far into herself that she wasn't conscious of how she was affecting the people around her...or how they could affect her. She wasn't able to be. I think that part of ge...