Firing up the Canon

What if we weren't divided And we realized that lines were meant for geography not for unity Coordinates to help us find each other, not lose sight of one another And borders for holding things together not for keeping them apart What if the state we were in was humanity And each person held equal weight Because gravity doesn't take into account fear, origin, or acceptance Even though all this hate feels too heavy to bear What if we blurred the lines and realized that we all came from the same energy and we will all be laid to rest in the same ground What if the flag we waved was surrender A flash of white, like the clouds that blanket this entire planet, that lets everyone know they can close their eyes, safe in their skin No matter where their human ship landed in this world

She said, "Imagine the plants that could live in that light. I said, "Imagine the woman."

The nectar sweetens and the hummingbird comes. The nectar never chases the bird.

Kite I tethered myself to the idea of you and lost my footing as your mind drifted away. Brick It doesn't matter how high the climb. The fall is always fast and hard. Time Travel The past feels far more probable than the present. Addiction If you were a drug I'd be dead by now. Quicksand As long as I'm doing it with you in mind I've made no progress at all. Omission That was the day I forgot to tell you that I unloved you. Disenchanted I don't care. That's worse. Remission I don't care. That's a lie. Early mourning Mourning with the person you are mourning is merely a false start. Grayscale How dare you drain the color from my face leaving me with nothing but raw expression.

i feel like as individuals the way we solve these problems with the world is on a very personal level. extend love to yourself. to those closest to you. to the strangers you pass. create moments of love and peace around you. we continually act like it’s an us versus them world. and i truly believe that for most it isn’t. for most there is love. there are people outside the flow. those people are casting trauma and collective heartache. but they don’t represent the whole. something needs done, but I don’t believe anger is it. and right now fear and anger are what are at the top.

I already know. I'm just trying to eat before I find out.

But don't you see? If I'm not completely submerged I'm likely to fly away.

What are all of these things creating chaos in the utter still and dark of the night- creeping in with the silence and echoing louder than any audible sound?

Her soul called out to me from across the room. And I responded simply by walking over. An explanation was never needed to tell us why we belonged to this thing that we were creating…in silence and in sound. We knew each other well, yet never had our eyes, voices or words met in this lifetime. This was all about another time.  A piece of home in all the chaos. A story written long ago.

Sometimes there isn't a dialogue. There's an inner monologue with two voices. A relationship dynamic you are building with yourself. A one-sided conversation that will never be reciprocated. Or would be volleyed in an entirely different way. Sometimes the silence is so deafening that it feels safer to make up the other side. To fill in the silence with words you wish were said or fear will be said…but the truth is that until they are said this is all wasted mental energy. Try not to react to what isn't there. That's my advice to me. And you, if you want it.

I was challenged to write 3 things I am grateful for for 7 days and to tag 3 people every day to do the same. So, here's to 7 days of focusing on the good! Day 7/7 Today I am grateful for: 1. The times where I see the truth, tell it to myself, and then I actually listen to it. It's too easy to get caught up in the stories we tell ourselves. Sometimes they just aren't true and there is power in knowing that. 2. The freedom I feel when I'm acting 12, not 36. 3. The people who take the time to really see me and be present with me. I notice.  Day 6/7 Today I am grateful for: 1. Times that I surprise myself. Like yesterday when I put this tattoo on my arm. 2. Any time pain translates into strength.  3. Dean, who makes me laugh every single day and helps me to find true meaning, self acceptance, and motivation. Day 5/7 Today I am grateful for: 1. Carrie Fazio for pushing me to take a chance on myself. 2. Ingrid Michaelson…for, well, everything she does wit...

Together we burned so hard we freed all the stars from their anchors in the sky. For everything there is a time to move on.

Do you remember the way my head would fill with words while the sun freckled my shoulders and silence stretched between you and I? The way thoughts fell from my fingers – flowing from a gentle tap to a feverish rage? How I told the truth? Saw beauty in more than just you?

I have always tried to get to know people by reading the books they love. Today I realized that maybe I'm doing a lot more than getting to know them. When I choose to flip through a shared set of pages with someone, I am opening up an entirely new frame of reference with them. An understanding. A different way of looking at the world. The experience and journey we take through the pages of books alters our way of thinking - even if only temporarily. It opens up new realities and exposes us to new personality types. It forces us to react to things that are happening in the world outside of us. And those reactions get inside of us. It deepens our mental connection with humanity. It paints a new picture of places we have seen and a detailed visual of places we have not. And through all of that it changes the way the world looks. It creates a filter to see everything through. I feel blessed to share that connection with people in my life.

For my beautiful Bee Bee. I will miss the sound of her always.  If you are sitting in this room right now there is one thing that is certain. There was a day that Bee, Jeyne, Mom, made you feel like you were her best friend. You were in on her jokes, you were part of her stories. And if we went outside of this room to the people who interacted with her at the bank, in a store, at the dr’s office, ANYWHERE – the story would be the same. “She’s so funny, too funny.” “I can hardly breathe when I’m around her.” “Oh how we laugh.” To be out with her was to see how people were magnetized to her. She couldn’t go anywhere without it turning into a story that was worth telling. Think now. I’m sure you have one with her. Some people go through life not noticing and not remembering all of the things around them. But that is not Bee’s story. She had cancer, but she was never sick. She never complained or looked ill. She never let any medical journey get the best...

I've learned that if you can just appreciate people for whatever they offer you rather than expecting everyone to be everything - life becomes filled with a lot more gratitude and a lot less disappointment. Every person has something to offer.

“I
 got a rock between my heart and my mouth / I know how it got there but I can’t pull it 
out and the bones that once moved my fingers over keys / are protesting in a fist on my
 knees / Gotta find a way to unzip my skin cos this is a stranger’s I’m living in” – Miss Higgins, Set me on Fire. I haven’t written in months…or if we want to be completely honest…years. My words have been trapped somewhere inside of myself. Sinking deep below my skin before they ever find their way out. I lost a sense of purpose for them. Couldn’t get beyond my head to write. I have quite literally felt like a stranger in my body and my mind. Trapped by something unreasonable. Something I don’t understand. I expressed my disappointment in this to a friend…and in conversation a chain of understanding presented itself.  I haven’t quite figured out how to get beyond it. But here I am taking a first step - a step bigger than I’ve made on my own. All because of a reflection of myself ...

A small tornado of debris swelled around my feet. Even the leaves were tempting me to stumble. But I turned my back on the breeze and buckled hard at the knees. Self-grounded is better than drifting out of control.

Jaiden, It could have been just yesterday they held you up for me to see One giant breath and then a newborn scream And I let your tiny hand wrap around my mine For the first time. So small and we shared you with all – morning, noon and night Moms a-glow for their baby girl and all she offered to the world Each sound and move something huge to celebrate For the first time. Lying awake to gaze at you sleeping - hours into the night Waiting for the moment your eyes would open or hunger would strike Happy to be missing out on sleep For the first time. So eager to offer you solid food Lift the spoon and watch your eyes go bright Cereal soupy and sweet potato from a jar For the first time. And the day you were able to tip the cup back on your lip Sipping water like we did And we all laughed at just how bright you really were For the first time. The strong, independent lift of your head Mickey Mouse Playhouse, giggles and gasps The ...

Sometimes the past blows in with the breeze. Just the other day while pumping gas I found myself sitting at a table in my safety town class. The air heavy with humidity and the waxy scent of crayon. The sky bright and the breeze heavy. My cotton dress just short of stopping my legs from sticking to the chair underneath me. Then, running outside. Remembering to the point of feeling the pride I had saddling up on the small tricycle I used to navigate the black pavement, around the cones. Carefree and safe and under the sun. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Oh, to feel that safe again.

You slipped away sometime between a dream and a nightmare. I opened my eyes to an unfamiliar hollow, rolled over and cradled the home we had made together. And then it all felt different. I couldn’t look people in the eye. I couldn’t feel you inside. Goodbye silently began before the first drop of loss. And yet I still carried you with me and prayed you’d stay. But not this way. Not without a heartbeat. Not without a chance. And if I did something wrong, I’m sorry. I loved you from a place deeper within me than where you began. I imagined your sweet face, the soft of your feet, the warmth of your tiny breaths. And I lost mine when you faded back inside. You are the piece of me that died. The heartache I cannot hide. Baby mine.

April was an exciting month for BePurdy365 ! We had our first Gallery Show at  Schlegel's Coffee House in Chillicothe, Ohio thanks to my Purdy Partner, Courtney Lewis! Here are some photos from the show!   

I have taken hundreds and hundreds of photos of the last two years, but non has touched my heart so much as this one. This is a documentation of our a new monthly tradition - painting our baby's home every month to document growth creatively. It's an exciting way to bond with baby and give us a special keepsake. Enjoy.

Today I am thankful for the moments when we set aside our differences. We have so much to learn from each other in our lives. We owe it to each other to tear down our walls and listen more intently.  We have to give more.  We have to love harder. Relationships are one of the biggest components of life.  They open our minds, comfort us, motivate us and change us.  If we work  harder to be kinder and treat people with ultimate respect we will make life easier for everyone. I'm sorry to anyone I have hurt. I forgive those who have hurt me. These are the moments after that - where we have the opportunity to make it right and to treat each other well. Thank you for all of you out there who are trying.  I know that I am.

Today I am thankful for health and for the awareness to not take it for granted. I pray for everyone who is struggling with their health right now and I actively try to remember to celebrate my own.