Baby mine.


You slipped away sometime between a dream and a nightmare.
I opened my eyes to an unfamiliar hollow, rolled over and cradled the home we had made together.
And then it all felt different.
I couldn’t look people in the eye.
I couldn’t feel you inside.
Goodbye silently began before the first drop of loss.
And yet I still carried you with me and prayed you’d stay. But not this way.
Not without a heartbeat. Not without a chance.
And if I did something wrong, I’m sorry.
I loved you from a place deeper within me than where you began.
I imagined your sweet face, the soft of your feet, the warmth of your tiny breaths.
And I lost mine when you faded back inside.
You are the piece of me that died.
The heartache I cannot hide.
Baby mine.

Comments

cp said…
Ohh Jamie. This is heart wrenchingly beautiful.

It's funny what having a child does to you, those first moments of finding out I was pregnant. I've always been pro-choice, and am still, but to know that moment and the emotions in brings, I could never voluntarily make that choice. But, that is my choice.

To not have that choice, in your situation, I just don't know how I could handle it. I've had friends have miscarriages, I've had a friend lose a baby after it was born. And it's something that once having a child, that emotion I never knew I had, was created.

Thank you for writing this.
Anonymous said…
Jamie...

There are no words for a loss like this. I have experienced this horrible moment 5 times. I truly do know how this feels. And you are correct...a part of you dies with this loss.

I understand, I understand, I understand. I ache for every woman who has felt this kind of loss.

Hannah and Finnegan are the result of never losing the desire and the longing for another child (yes, we got a bonus Campbell). Honor your grief. And when you are ready, if you still have the desire, please know that there is hope.

Love to you all.

Laurie Campbell
Queen-et said…
Jamie -- we are so sorry for your loss. For some reason, that is not known, God has chosen to enterviene.

Thoughts and prayers as you grieve and sort out the next step in your life.. Love you, Aunt Elaine & Uncle Sam
Anonymous said…
It's so difficult to put a miscarriage into words and I think this is beautifully done. I myself have had two ectopic pregnancies. I wasn't sure how to describe my feelings about it, but after reading this, this is how I felt about losing my babies.
rn said…
Maddy was my third pregnancy. You might remember one, probably not the second. It helped me to think of God editing until the perfect little girl came along, until he got it right. I wept on the first one. I was fearful. The second, I'd steeled myself a bit more. And then there was Maddy and every day she inspires me to believe in miracles. Your piece here is a beautiful,sorrowful, hopeful record of many of the emotions I felt in those days.
Audrey said…
Oh Jamie, I am so, so sorry to hear this news. My heart is completely broken for you, and I wish desperately that I had words that would bring some comfort to you. There is no explanation that can ease your pain, no justification for why someones life is over before it has begun. There is only pain, and I wish that I could take some of your pain and help you to carry the weight of it. Please know that you are in my thoughts and in my heart.

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