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Showing posts from March, 2009

The Last Word

Something has been on my mind since this time last year. It stays there, because it was a day that I taught myself an important lesson.

Sometimes having the last word on something isn’t worth it.

Sometimes that last word doesn’t move a situation forward - it just sits there and rips more gashes in fabric that’s already been torn enough. It makes us spin our wheels and drive ourselves crazy.

I think we do this “last word” thing for a couple of reasons.

One – We have something at stake that we can’t stand to lose.
Once we stop the tossing the “last word” dictionary back and forth, a situation, relationship or conversation has come to a close and we have to accept it how it is left, how has defined itself. In the silence of words that are no longer being played, we have learn acceptance. We have to be ok with being wrong, or not being able to prove our point – or worse coming to terms with the fact that we have to let someone walk away and that nothing we can say can bring them back to …

The Good and the Bad of Bondage

Today I want to share something that I’ve learned of the past 31 years of my life.

You can choose to try to create bonds with people over two types of circumstances. Good and Bad.

There's a place for both...but I think there are some important things to think about.

In highschool I used to dwell on my problems and then place the weight of them on people I hardly knew, all the while waiting for a bond to develop.

I had my friends that I could just be myself with…but if there were people I wasn’t sure how to bond with I’d try to get their attention by being needy. In retrospect I can see that it was like I was trying to force them to care about me by putting a burden on them.

I needed emotional attachment, but I was going about getting it by creating drama and sob stories.

After I got myself together in life, learned to embrace who I was and to take other people into consideration before “life-dumping” on them – I realized something.

It is far more attractive to people when you come …

Feeling. Commitment. Conviction.

I've noticed lately that feelings and sentiments are so momentary, so easily persuaded by circumstance.

Commitment is the bridge that keeps us on the path between the good feelings and the bad.

Conviction defines what we personally can stay committed to.

Beautiful Surprise

If you didn't join me at the Beachland Tavern for the Maura Rogers concert on March 16 - you definitely missed out.

Luckily I used my teensy little video camera on my phone to grab a bit of the show.

This song here is a personal favorite of mine.

Do me the favor of listening to it. Heck - Listen Twice. You won't regret it.

She's as talented as she is charming - and as beautiful of a surprise as today's weather.




I was driving today and thinking about what a difference there is in those two words to me though they are used interchangeably at times.

One is bright and hot.
The other is bright, warm, radiating, encompassing, (and sometimes wears a smiley face).

The difference is all in the giving IS and one RADIATES.
One sits in the sky. One changes the way life feels - the way people think and act.

That's really how it is for all of us.

The real difference between one person and the next...the one that matters most - it's not so much in the name, in the looks, in the face, in the voice. It's in what all of those things give off.

It's about more than our being - it's how our being radiates to those around us.

I personally prefer the people and the words that radiate big.

It's not enough just to be. You have to connect to make a difference.


Yesterday I turned 31.
I should start by telling you that I am more than a weeeee bit obsessed with my own birthday. I think it's fun to have a day (or a week) to celebrate myself.

I am also lucky enough to be spoiled by the people around me, so I really get to enjoy my time.

It started off with a surprise night out on Tuesday - birthday eve. Maura made the plans. Mikki joined. We got in the car and drove downtown...and with Mikki's hands pressed over my eyes so I couldn't see, we pulled into the House of Blues.

The surprise was a Missy Higgins concert (and a very very tasty dinner at the HOB - thank you Mikki). It couldn't have been more perfect. Maura knows me well. Set the mood for a wonderful birthday just right.

On Wednesday, my actual birthday, I was supposed to go on a field trip with Serenity's school, but due to a flooded road it was canceled.

So, I went to borders and bought myself a book...Change of Heart by Jody Picoult. I stayed there, drank coffee a…

Spin baby spin

This is how it feels. I'm hunkered down in a world full of things spinning out of control around me. Things affecting me, people affecting me, realities changing. Maybe it's that I'm afraid to move. Maybe it's that I think it'd be most wise not to. But I stand still. I don't want to affect anything because I am not ready to make choices. And in some cases I don't have any, and I don't want to face that either.

At times all of the spinning becomes too much. In order to maintain balance I hold my arms out 90 degrees from my sides. Palms open to the swirling realities and ex realities around me. In doing this, little things stick. Little pieces of what is going on. But only the pieces most drawn to me.

I pull them close to me and wear them like armor. They are my little somethings. The little somethings that will hold this thing together until I feel like I can move again with purpose and a little bit of control.

It’s time to lie down.
Face pressed…

Rubber Band Effect.

Did you ever go to bed one night and wake up the next morning knowing that things were different, and permanently? That the rubber band holding something together has stretched too far and no longer has the same elasticity.

That is how I feel today. I don't know what the outcome of this stretch will be, I'm not completely in control of it. What I do know is that the space the lax banding is allowing - well I can feel it. It's too much space for me right now. I'm swimming in my skin. I'm swimming in my life. I'm swimming in my home. The only thing I'm not swimming in is my clothing.

Truth is...this post is going to be vague. The things that I'm talking about here I don't want o release into the world because that them makes them real. Forgive me for wanting to not be completely real in this moment.

I just need to write. I just need to put my struggle out there and hope that even in its vagueness I'll find resolution.

That somehow in writing …

Food that interacts with the plate

I was sharing a can on pickled Beets with Serenity the other day and as I put them on the plate I found myself intrigued even more by their potent color than I usually am.

So, in a curious moment that probably looked a little silly to a five year old, "Mamie, why are you taking pictures of your plate?", I snapped some shots of the beets and the the mess (art) the juice made on my dirty dishes afterward.

Just a little Saturday afternoon fun.
I think everyone could use a little more punchy color in the dead of winter anyways...don't you?

It's nice to have something in my possession that I just can't put down. I love my Canon. It helps me keep track of every interesting thing that I see along the way.

Holding On or Letting Go

Oh how things change over time.
I was putting Serenity to bed tonight she's telling me how she "doesn't like to close her eyes. It's boring." And at 5 it probably is.

Of course, here I am, approaching 31, yawning and thinking about how I can't wait to lay down. She's fighting sleep. I'm craving it.

As she tosses and turns, holding her head up off the pillow so that her eyes don't accidentally drift off, I let my eyes close. This must have signaled to my brain because somehow she fell asleep and I found myself left lying awake with mind mind churning.

'I'm about to turn 31. At least a third of my life has passed already.'

This thought turns into me tearing up a bit. I can't figure out which is more painful. Lying next to someone you want to capture every moment with - that you don't want to lose even one second with - and realizing time is flying by. Or - thinking about people and relationships that have come to a close before…