It's been a month. Oh, it's been a month.
Have you ever gone through a period of life more as a witness from the outside - just not making a direct connection with the world around you?
That's where I've been for quite some time now.
I lost my conviction and because of that began wandering, but not really sure towards what. Well, the truth is that I actually wasn't heading towards anything - I was just letting go and waiting for a different moment. I was waiting for certainty to hit me.
I'd come home from work and want to experience complete silence. I wanted to close my eyes for a bit and reboot.
And I did. I've barely moved at all in a month's time physically, mentally, or emotionally. I was living in a disconnected reality. Half way between asleep and awake.
Yesterday, I began to feel better. And I want to share that with you all.
Sometimes in life we think that we need to make choices. And in the stress of trying to force ourselves to make choices we become paralyzed. Sometimes there just isn't an immediate choice to make. Sometimes we are making the wrong choice and our soul fights it with everything it has, cautioning us not to move because we are moving in the wrong direction. And sometimes we just need to accept things as they are right in a moment - to reconnect with reality exactly as it is and not make decisions.
I spent a month trying to box myself into some set of behaviors that just didn't fit me, and most certainly didn't fit my heart. Trying to make myself be okay in a moment that I just wasn't. And punishing myself for anything I felt along the way.
Because of that, I didn't recognize myself and wasn't able to engage life. I was a stranger in my own skin.
My advice: Do not do this to yourself. Life does take some figuring out sometimes, but you can't force it to happen all at once. You sometimes have to just let it unfold and trust that there is a plan bigger than your own in action.
I believe this is what I was denying for the last few weeks. My soul was doing one thing, my life another. The longer I tried to stop myself from living the weaker my soul got. My drive went down. My heart shut down. And beliefs shut down.
I am going to let myself be me. And with that conviction, suddenly I can feel again.