There are times that I find it necessary to convince myself that I am tough. Even through very trying times I show up for work every day, laugh a considerable amount, and manage to function.
Truth is though, sometimes you do need to shut down and find a release…or your body will find one for you.
Relationship, health, stability, foundations – each has presented their struggles to me lately. And I’ve acknowledged them, but asked them quickly to pass so I could get back to just being me. I don’t like being the downer. I don’t like facing my fool.
But last night I cracked…while sleeping. I was defenseless. I had a terrible dream and woke up already crying. Drenched in sweat and tears, forced to release.
I wish that more often I would remember that what wells up inside inevitably overflows. I can shove off hurt or fear when I feel them, but the truth is they don’t go anywhere. They just sink deeper inside and hide until they can sneak up on me again.
The best think to do with any emotion/situation is to stare it straight in the face until it tells you the truth. The truth is always there and easier to deal with when it is raw and not hidden under layers of denial.
Sadness dissipates through mourning. Fear become strength when we take it on.
I’ve made my emotions my enemy lately. Pushing them around, square inch by square inch, until they shift into a smile on my face. Piecing together what’s left standing strong into a puzzle that looks unshaken.
And that’s all fine and responsible and productive, but I have to remember that if I keep denying the underlying emotions – the second I let my guard down they will rearrange and take shape on their own. The true picture is always lurking.
The squares will shift, the smile will flip, and I’ll find myself isolated in a pool of everything I haven’t wanted to face. And now it’ll be too late to deal with them one at a time…they’ll all be there together. Piled high and ready to apply force until I deal with them directly and give them the attention they need.