Did you ever go to bed one night and wake up the next morning knowing that things were different, and permanently? That the rubber band holding something together has stretched too far and no longer has the same elasticity.
That is how I feel today. I don't know what the outcome of this stretch will be, I'm not completely in control of it. What I do know is that the space the lax banding is allowing - well I can feel it. It's too much space for me right now. I'm swimming in my skin. I'm swimming in my life. I'm swimming in my home. The only thing I'm not swimming in is my clothing.
Truth is...this post is going to be vague. The things that I'm talking about here I don't want o release into the world because that them makes them real. Forgive me for wanting to not be completely real in this moment.
I just need to write. I just need to put my struggle out there and hope that even in its vagueness I'll find resolution.
That somehow in writing I'll find answers.
I have to tell you that as I write this Serenity and my cousin Marissa, 5 and 7 respectively, are standing in front of me singing singing high school musical songs on play station.
"This could be the start of something new."
I'm trying to let the joy of their youth and their bond tie me back together for a moment. Because I need it. And they are worth it.
And to be honest with you - these two can sing. It'd be a fool not to look and look closely. They are in one of life's best realities - youth.
If I'm not a fool I'll watch closely. It's the only way to recapture any piece of what once was in my life. The blessing is being able to be a part of it with them. So, I'm off to go play and find a moment of closeness during this stretched out rubber band feeling.