Holding On or Letting Go

Oh how things change over time.

I was putting Serenity to bed tonight she's telling me how she "doesn't like to close her eyes. It's boring." And at 5 it probably is.

Of course, here I am, approaching 31, yawning and thinking about how I can't wait to lay down.
She's fighting sleep. I'm craving it.

As she tosses and turns, holding her head up off the pillow so that her eyes don't accidentally drift off, I let my eyes close. This must have signaled to my brain because somehow she fell asleep and I found myself left lying awake with mind mind churning.

'I'm about to turn 31. At least a third of my life has passed already.'

This thought turns into me tearing up a bit. I can't figure out which is more painful. Lying next to someone you want to capture every moment with - that you don't want to lose even one second with - and realizing time is flying by. Or - thinking about people and relationships that have come to a close before now and realizing that time is moving far away from what they were. Time is making them the distant past quickly.

So, I drift to a person that might have at one time looked at me the way I look at Serenity. Full of love. Full of understanding.

In one moment all of that changed and the last ten years have been filled with a distance, sometimes physical, but always emotional.

My relationship with my mother is one that I can't seem to get right at the age of 30. My 30 year old self and all of it's complications are too much to fully embrace. She loves me, I don't question that. But she can't understand me - and I know the understanding failure exists on my part as well.

Over time I have come closer to understanding her struggle. I know I'm not easy for her. I also know that I don't always make it easy.

All of this doesn't change the fact that time is passing by fast . And our distance from my age 5 self is becoming large. And our chance to get it right is passing by even faster.

All of that said - it brings me back to what I was thinking about at the beginning of all of this. Which is greater - the pain of holding on or letting go?

Comments

mo said…
Holding on is more painful to me.

Last night there was a Bright Eyes song, "landlocked blues" playing (not sure if you heard the lyrics). I love a line from it:

...it all boils down to one quoteable phrase,
'if you love something, give it away'...

I think letting go is at the core of love.

beautiful entry, jamie.
Nick James said…
Don't let go. It may hurt to hold on, as I know it has--but time is flying. You both have the same eyes you had when she was 25 and you were 5. She loves you and time will make it right. She is trying, I know she is. She tells me all the time in her own ways. Don't let go, ever.
Queen Mama Mia said…
I'm so sorry to hear of your pain. Struggling with relationships is so difficult. Your love for each other is worth NOT giving up.
Time heals all things -- but we are all so impatient. May peace be with you both. I believe in unconditional love. Love you, AE
Vitamin B-Lardo said…
Oh, I don't give up. ;)

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