Oh how things change over time.
I was putting Serenity to bed tonight she's telling me how she "doesn't like to close her eyes. It's boring." And at 5 it probably is.
Of course, here I am, approaching 31, yawning and thinking about how I can't wait to lay down.
As she tosses and turns, holding her head up off the pillow so that her eyes don't accidentally drift off, I let my eyes close. This must have signaled to my brain because somehow she fell asleep and I found myself left lying awake with mind mind churning.
'I'm about to turn 31. At least a third of my life has passed already.'
This thought turns into me tearing up a bit. I can't figure out which is more painful. Lying next to someone you want to capture every moment with - that you don't want to lose even one second with - and realizing time is flying by. Or - thinking about people and relationships that have come to a close before now and realizing that time is moving far away from what they were. Time is making them the distant past quickly.
So, I drift to a person that might have at one time looked at me the way I look at Serenity. Full of love. Full of understanding.
In one moment all of that changed and the last ten years have been filled with a distance, sometimes physical, but always emotional.
My relationship with my mother is one that I can't seem to get right at the age of 30. My 30 year old self and all of it's complications are too much to fully embrace. She loves me, I don't question that. But she can't understand me - and I know the understanding failure exists on my part as well.
Over time I have come closer to understanding her struggle. I know I'm not easy for her. I also know that I don't always make it easy.
All of this doesn't change the fact that time is passing by fast . And our distance from my age 5 self is becoming large. And our chance to get it right is passing by even faster.
All of that said - it brings me back to what I was thinking about at the beginning of all of this. Which is greater - the pain of holding on or letting go?